...and here we go...

I'm in a surprisingly good mood today...the past couple of days actually...and I figured it was about time I shared it with y'all!

So, the last few posts were less than up to my standards, I would love to say that some crazy chick hijacked my computer, but alas...it was I.  Eh, you win some you lose some, and for the last few months I was losing a lot.

But it's a new day, and at the risk of sounding cliche, a new year...and I am feeling pretty darn good about things. :) :) :)  Yeah...I did smiley faces, what of it?

So, what you really want to hear is what's going on in the whole "dating" thing right...well here's a quick run down:

April: met him!  :)
First Impression: there was something about him...something "safe"?  Or, just sincere, he was quiet, which obviously was a plus (I LIKE TO TALK YO!)  He had this way of making you feel special, he had this little twinkle in his eye when he looked at me, and I made him visibly nervous on a few occasions, which I loved, etc.  It's hard to explain.  I saw him as no more than a friend, although I did make some comments while under the influence of choice vodka about kissing him "cause I thought he probably deserved to be kissed by a girl like me."  God I love it when I'm cocky...
June: kissed him, went for it...the timing was oh so right and I was very confident that he wanted me to...it was raining, pouring down rain, perfect warm summer storm, and we kissed out there in the street for quite some time, he was smiling so much that he was struggling to keep his lips where they should be...classic, dudes, just classic.   
Second Impression: We instantly started spending A LOT of time together...not like me to jump like that, but it was fun and happy & feel goody ALL THE TIME.  We stayed up late and woke up early and talked and laughed and I thought for the first time in a long time...Holy Moly this could, at some point down the road be L...Loo...Luub...ugh...Love.  He led me to believe...scratch that, he told me that his heart was free, open, available.  That he had been single for 5 years, no girlfriends, no nothing.  That he had no skeletons, blah blah blah. ;) He was and is, a very very sweet boy and everything about him is what I've thought I would want in a man...well that was my second impression.
July/August: We had an amazing summer, he told me he loved me, I didn't say it back, which became an "issue" of sorts.  I was falling for him, but as my last post said, I don't fall in love easily.  I love lots of people and lots of things, in fact I love almost everything and can find something lovable in almost everyone, but to be "in love"... relationship "in love"  I need to know it / feel it from every inch of my body.  And at this point I started having some doubts.  There was something that I couldn't put my finger on that was "wrong".  There was this disconnected feeling, a sense that maybe he was holding onto something, or harboring something in his heart that he wasn't opening up to me about.  There was me keeping it silent, thinking I knew what (who) it was and what was wrong, but one of my personal rules is to never make someone do something (in this case share something) for my benefit, and him opening up would have benefited me greatly, but I refuse to be selfish in relationships.  I've never asked someone to do things in a relationship because I have always stood the ground of, "do I want them to do it because I asked, or because they wanted to?"  I only want people to share themselves with me because they want to, not because I "made them".  I've seen friends tell guys they wished they would say "I love you" or wished they would propose to them.  Ick.  Don't tell me you love me because I asked you to, don't do anything in our relationship because I asked you to...for the love of God, please.  I'm  ranting, sorry...but something was amiss...

(dun dun duuunnnn...)

Get ya some!

A few things before we get started:
1. I'm finally listening to that little voice who tells me "don't be some hopeless romantic idiot"!!!  No matter how much you want it to be right, no matter how much you think it should be right...if it ain't right, it ain't right.  If you have doubts, it's for a reason...don't try to make it work if it isn't just what you need, just be alone, or find what you need.
2. I have had to explain to people, quite a bit lately, that my heart is much different than most peoples...MUCH.  It's not a good thing, it's not a bad thing, it just IS.

• I don't fall in love easily, love at first sight is a fairy-tale, it's sweet, and romantic & I am all about that, and sometimes what you think is LOVE at first site turns into REAL LOVE, but rarely...anyone can be in love when things are new and fun & giddy, anyone can turn a fantasy into love in their minds, I can't believe I am in love until shit hits the fan and the guy and I are holding each other giggling with a blanket over our heads keeping us safe. ;)  (problem is most of the time when shit hits the fan...the guys I have been with wanna stand in the shit and fight about who's fault it is that the shit got up to the fan in the first place...lame.
  
• People find it strange that I am able to be good friends with my ex's... I have NO problems healing my heart & moving on, this tends to shock people or they don't believe it.  Recently broke up, my buddy Troy looked at me with puppy eyes and said, "are you so sad, you seem really happy, but when you are alone do you cry all the time?"  I laughed, "Yes, I'm sad.  Yes, I cried.  But yes, I am really okay and happy."  He didn't believe it...and I know why, most people hold on to the idea of a relationship for month, years...sometimes a life time.  I can't/won't do it, I have gotten VERY good at healing my heart...call me insensitive, but I assure you it's not.  If it's over it's over, I will do my grieving quickly and then pull my big girl panties up and get to living!!  All you have is this moment, don't live in fantasies, or mourning over the past...it's over, all you have is now. :)
• Another thing that came up in my conversation with Troy (eternally single Troy) was "Why can't you make a relationship last more than 6 months."  Point taken Troy-Boy, and here's what I told him... How many relationships last?  Two people meet, what are the honest odds that those two people are going to be together forever...PAINFULLY SLIM.  Most marriages don't last, the divorce rate is 60% now, so dating, well there's no promise of commitment there and walking away is a free and easy option, dating is a trial run, I guess if I don't like the product after 6 months, I send it back for a refund.  Now, I'm sounding cold, I assure you I don't see the guys I am dating as merchandise...but I hope you get the point.
• And my final observation...I may be one of the only people left in my dating age range with an open heart...see bullet point number 2.  ALMOST every (not every, but almost every) person I meet has their heart all tied up in someone from their past...I will/would not put myself out there as available to date, if my heart wasn't free and clear for the taking.  It's whole & healthy & open & strong.  Nobody is in there but me and my two kids and damn it, that is something that I can be proud of, who ever gets it will be a lucky SOB, and I'm not ashamed to sound cocky about it, it wasn't easy, and most people will  never be able to offer that to someone.

Now, are you ready for some relationship dig?  HeeHeee...Robyn's in the mood to write and she's got some good stuff to dish...I have my reservations on how fair it is of me to do this, but I'm shameless...

I really should not be posting today...

Because I am in a "mood"...not a bad one, not a good one...just a "mood".  I'm stressed, but not sure what exactly is causing it (its hard to pick from the list of options)...things feel horrible, and I feel like laughing about it.  I think they call this crazy, but who knows. 
Okay, I really really shouldn't be posting today...let's try this again tomorrow.

...we find the strangest ways of punishing ourselves, don't we?  I do...or did, hopefully I can say "did".

Wow, this blog has become so un-funny, I'm ashamed of myself... I better go find a way to punish myself for it. ;)

I rant...I appologize. ;)

This one’s been bouncing around in here for a while now.  Thinking about what attracts men to women in general, things I know have attracted men to me..I started noticing all these REDICULOUS things that seem to be a pattern that this girl can no longer take part in. I can’t be the only one who finds this comical right??

 I then, out of left field remembered a book my mom (and apparently MILLIONS of other women) was reading & following like a bible of sorts about 10 years ago.  I could picture the cover perfectly, I remembered the name, and the nauseating feeling I got in my stomach when I read a few pages of it.  I had to call up my mom and make her dig out the old book, and send me the vomit inducing list of chapters…they were just as bad as I remember, for the most part. ;)  The book is called “The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right”  (Call me easily amused, but that cracks me up!)

The conversation with my mom was hilarious, she, wanting all of her children to be in love, was hoping that I was inquiring because I was going to change my ways and had decided to “snag me a perfectly good man through the trickery of this gay ass book” (my quote, not hers).  She was almost giddy that I was inquiring, but laughed in a very unsurprised way when I informed her that I was not even the least bit interested in learning how to trick a man into loving me, I wanted to see the list so I could make fun of it, call it out for what it was, and tear it apart…orally.  ( I said “orally” unnecessarily, because this is written…it was mildly good for me.)

I have knowingly & unknowingly done a few of the things we are about to talk about…okay, I’ll be honest, I still to this day have never read this book and was unknowingly  A PRO at some of this stuff.  I’ve had my siren days with the best of ‘em.  I really should do more research before writing this, like maybe read what the pages following the chapter titles say, but who cares…let’s fly by the seat of my pants and just make some stuff up as we go.

Also, there are 35 chapters…let’s just start with the first 5 tonight.

My momma’s email was too cute not to share her side of things.  Chapters in black, momma in purple, robyn in green…can ya dig?

Ok, that was fast, I found it.
 
You are going to die laughing, because most of these you will never ever be able to do.
I will put a ** by the ones I think you will struggle with. HA!
 
1) Be a "Creature Unlike Any Other"  .....  Now this you will have NO problem with : )
Thank you momma…I think. ;) (for those of you who don’t know, I am the definite black sheep of my family) I can totally and completely get with this first rule, but if someone has to tell you to be unique…I’m gonna guess you’re screwed on this chapter.  Do you suppose they go into detail on how you should act?? (I seriously just gagged…it’s the third time today, no joke, real gagging, it’s weird and painful.  The other two you ask? Jess’s DISGUSTING toothpaste, and a story about a bug makin’ babies under my skin.)  What happened to “you are unique, you’re beautiful, you are the only you there is…be YOU.  All these “creatures” walking around trying too hard to be just like this book told them to be…creeeeepyyyy  (by the way Millions upon Millions of copies of this book have been sold, it’s a disease I tell ya, a disease) 0 for 1  What we need to rename this chapter is:  Be yourself, don’t put up a front that will only lead him to be disappointed in you in the future.  Care about liking you way more than you care about what he thinks of you.

2) Don't talk to a man first (and don't ask him to dance)  ** (mommas asterisks…pay attention ;)

Thank you momma, you’re right, if I want to talk to the dude, I’ll talk to him…if I want to dance with him, he better come with some moves. ;)   The things about this book that I think have my panties so awkwardly shoved up my crack, are this.  1. You are telling women who to be.  2. You are telling them to play head games (and I can’t take it anymooooore….eghhm, sorry) 3. What happens when they follow all these rules, act like they are “suppose to act” snag the handsome, rich, or handsomely rich fella, and then, much to his surprise, shortly after walking down the aisle (Ga-Damn it…I gagged again!) ;) the real you comes out and he no love you no more??? 4. And this is the one that really makes me laugh…the stupid book works.  I’m telling you, it’s the fact that all of this is true that really drives me bat shit crazy (still have no idea where that phrase come from…still love that phrase.) I don’t want to play head games, they aren’t real, they create very temporary feelings, but because they aren’t based on anything but “creating fake feelings” it’s short lived & NOT the real deal that I am after, but I have played them and my good god do they work.  What’s a girl to do?  What we need to rename this chapter is:  Don’t throw yourself at guys, and don’t talk to them unless you have something really good to say, and dance with whoever you want whenever you want, dancing feels good.

3) Don't stare at men or talk too much *** ha ha

Hahaha!!!  I know!  Do they mean stare at other men while you are with your dude you snatched by messing with his head, or don’t stare at the man you are trying to snatch by messing with his head??  Anyone??  Eh, who cares, mom’s right…I’m screwed in the talking dept anyways.  What we need to rename this chapter is: Staring’s not polite, he may think he has a large snot ball on his face, and making him uncomfortable won’t make him like you, only talk if you have something good to say.

4) Don't meet him halfway or go dutch on a date.

Crap, Crap, Crap, Crap, Craaaaaaaap… that’s what I think of this chapter.  Chapter 4 makes me want to tell every dude who will read this blog to unite, open your eyes, and not fall for this craaaap.  I know exactly why they want us ladies to do this, and all of their reasons are crap to me.  But again, this freaking rule works too.  I should start getting cats now.  I don’t need someone to buy me dinner.  I am about as far from a feminist as I am from a pessimist.  But this makes me want to take off my bra, grow my leg hair out and start yelling crazy shit at people.  I’m gonna guess there isn’t a chapter advising that…we could misconstrue their point and do all that in honor of Chapter 1. ;)  What we need to rename this chapter is:  You want love?  Be willing to be an equal part of the team.  Let him buy if he offers, and be gracious about it, but you also need to be willing to hold up your own end of things.

5) Don't call him and rarely return his calls.

Oh my goodness, HEAD GAME…a fantastic, fantastic little head game at that.  Notice my mom knows I’m capable of this one…the woman imbedded this in my brain from the minute I learned how to rotary dial.  This makes silly boys hearts all a flutter, they get that wonderfully painful feeling in their chest.  They can’t stop thinking about you.   The idea behind this little rule is the harder you seem to catch, the more they will pine, and they will pine.  Women use this rule in so many fantastically clever ways…I have seen it daily, my entire life.  I can’t get with it anymore.  I don’t want to trick someone into wanting more of me.  If I want to talk to someone, about anything…I will be straight forward enough with them to call them.  If someone calls me, I will happily return their call.  Oh, I don’t know, cause it’s like decent ‘n stuff. ;)  What we need to rename this chapter is:  Don’t throw yourself at him, maintain your own life, maintain your own schedules, you won’t have to pretend that you are far too busy to take his calls.

Okay, I suppose that is enough for one evening.  Nolte once told me I was “far too independent to ever be loved.  Guys want to feel needed ‘n stuff” (I wish that was a direct quote…heehee…it’s not, but that’s the jist (sp?) of it.  And he’s probably right.  The thing is, I want to be taken care of, I just don’t need to be taken care of…somebody out there’s gotta appreciate that.

Alright, I’m sleepy, that was good for me, was it good for you?

Who loves ya?

~robyn~